HL Mencken famously translated the Declaration of Independence into vulgar American English in 1921 (
linky). But that was 1921, and quite a bit of the hokey-pokey Gilded Era slang has become nearly as indecipherable as the 18th century text upon which it was drafted. To periodically refresh the Tree of Mockery, I spill some of my own blood. Here then is the D of I for the euvoluntary exchangeur. Original text below the break, in red.
The unanimous Declaration of the political elites of the thirteen united States of America,
Enough is enough. I have had it with these monkey-fighting political arrangements on this Monday-to-Friday colony. Look people, we're honest folks over here, so just to play it safe, let's roll through the reasons we're sending a breakup letter to the Crown. Doing otherwise is just plain callow, amirite?
This isn't a forum for dissecting religious belief, so when I write "Creator" or "God", it doesn't much matter whether you think of a Michelangelo fresco or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What's important is the substance: some power above the temporal authority, out of reach of the sovereign has granted everyone these elementary unalienable rights (that means that you can't trade away these rights: you don't "own" them in the same sense you own the trampoline in your backyard): Life, Liberty, and the
PURSUIT [emphasis added] of happiness. The purpose of a government is to make sure these rights are protected, which should be kind of obvious once you think about it for a moment. Furthermore, the ultimate authority for any Government is the constituency. Government serves the will of the people, not the other way round. Consider for a moment what when Government falls derelict of this divine duty, folks have the right to declare the sovereign's charter void and to draft new terms. Of course, since we're not a disorganized rabble, we respect that long-established Government shouldn't be overturned for flimsy reasons. I mean, think about it: if every petty injustice called for open revolution, there'd be no end to the bloodshed. Every second a Soldier spends in uniform is a second he can't spend at a useful, productive job, making other people's lives more rewarding. At best, revolt mitigates a worse evil. Add up (and discount) all the net evils done by a tyrant or a despot, and compare that to the net evils perpetrated by the next most reasonable alternative. If that difference is greater than the cost of overthrow, then
bam: you've got just cause for war. I will now prepare for you a brief list of the reasons why this is now the case. Here are the facts of the matter in no particular order. The King of Great Britain has:
He has vetoed a bunch (a peck? a bundle? what's the collective noun here?) of legislation that would have been otherwise pretty good for the public.
He has prevented urgent local and state legislation from being passed, and even when it manages to get through, it languishes in probation indefinitely.
He offers the following "deal" to large districts of constituents: give up your claim on representation in the Legislature and I'll pass your law.
He convenes the legislature in the middle of nowhere, Florida (as if just regular Florida weren't bad enough). This is done to strong-arm Legislators into compliance.
He just up and dissolves any Legislative body with the temerity to oppose his rule.
He hems, haws, stalls, and stifles any attempt to re-organize previously so dissolved Houses of Representatives. The constituents of these interregnum places face the same sort of anarchy that Bill Murray warned the NYC mayor about in the first Ghostbusters movie: dogs and cats living together, etc.
He closed the borders, and let me tell you, we're hurting so bad for immigrants that some of the people living here have (horrifically) resorted chattel slavery [including the author of the original document!].
He has refused to appoint judges (or at least approve legislation for how judges are selected) where they are desperately needed.
He keeps the judiciary dependent on his whim for their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept a standing Army in peacetime. I... I just can't even with this one. Come on, people.
He has given Soldiers immunity to civilian law. Totally not making this up, you guys.
He compels us to obey foreign statutes. Remember that whole "ultimate authority" thing earlier? A foreign sovereign does not rule with our consent, bro.
For, get this, using our houses to quarter his troops.
For staging mock trials for his Soldiers, pretty much letting them get away with murder.
For not letting us trade with the rest of the world. You know, like we do to our enemies before we bomb the bejeezus out of them, or do to ourselves to "protect domestic industries". Yeah, I'm rolling my eyes too, dude.
For imposing taxes on us without our consent.
For suspending trial by jury.
For hauling us off to stand trial overseas on trumped-up charges.
For disregarding common law and the law merchant in lieu of rule by fiat. Or as Bill Easterly puts it, the Tyranny of Experts. Yikes!
For revoking our local and state Charters, and nullifying our local and state Laws.
For voiding our local Legislatures.
He has waged war against us, his own alleged constituency. Wow.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people. Like a Viking. So now you better stop and rebuild all your ruins, for peace and trust can win the day, despite of all your losing.
He hired a bunch of foreign mercenaries and has set them loose among us, so try to imagine that you're an Iraqi with hordes of Blackwater employees running around roughshod. That's what it's like
right here. What kind of civilized ruler does this sort of thing? Even Genghis Khan had more temperance.
He has conscripted our own citizens taken captive at sea into his Armies. Again, not even kidding right now. This dude takes our people, forces them to join his Army, then sends them into battle against his own homeland. Not. Even. Kidding.
He has fomented civil unrest, including getting the "merciless Indian Savages" to raid us [SLW ed. I had totally forgotten this particular point of order. I have a sudden urge to wash my hands]
Mind you, this is a short list of grievances. Any time we try to petition for a relief of these (and other) grievances, we get bupkis. Nada. Zilch. Zero. We get the cold shoulder. That's the demeanor of a tyrant, plain and simple. England's King has decided to model his reign on Machiavelli's Prince. It is with great regret I inform you that no one sent him the message that that book was meant to be satire.
So, in the eyes of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself, we the assembled dudes of this Congress to hereby claim that these here Colonies are now free and independent states, and we no longer bear allegiance to the British Crown. We're starting our own country and we have that right because the King has decided that he's basically our enemy anyway, so why not just go ahead and make it official? We got each other, and we don't need you no more.
Suck it, George. [omitted]