The Horrible Truth about Net Neutrality

My friends, I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about net neutrality. All right, here is how I feel about net neutrality:

If when you say net neutrality you mean the crony's crowbar, the monopolist's schmooze, the crook's corruption, that empowers cozy insiders, throttles competition, destroys the urge to innovate, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the wifi connection from the laptops of little children; if you mean the evil regulator-is-the-regulated revolving door we have in this present day in the provision of utilities that topples the Christian man and woman from the pinnacle of righteous, gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, and despair, and shame and helplessness, and hopelessness, then certainly I am against it.

But, if when you say net neutrality you mean breaking the de facto local monopoly, restoring to the hearths and homes of this great nation the liberty of its people to choose their own ISP, the laughter on a child's lips when Bob the Builder on Netflix comes streaming in with no buffer wheel, and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean the cheer of customers when telecoms obliged by the harsh discipline of competition to provide the best possible service at prices agreeable to the public; if you mean the streaming content that puts the spring in the old gentleman's step on a frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the regulatory philosophy which enables a man to magnify his joy, and his happiness, and to forget, if only for a little while, life's great tragedies, and heartaches, and sorrows; if you mean that trust-busting urge, the implementation of which pours into our homes untold millions of gigabytes of content, which are used to provide in-home education via Khan Academy, Marginal Revolution University, and the like for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitiful aged and infirm; to reclaim telecom right-of-way for the good of the public, then certainly I am for it.

This is my stand. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise.